nischal’s posterous

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, Sir, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the lady balloonist.

 "Yes, I am," replied the man. "But, how did you know?"

 "Well," answered the balloonist. "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea how to make use of your information. The fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more.'

The man below responded, "You must be in management."

 "Yes, I am," replied the lady balloonist, "but, how did you know?"

 "Simple," said the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air within. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you, to solve your problems."

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A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an
old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the
next day.

 The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some
bad news, the donkey died last night."

 Kenny replied: "Well then, just give me my money back."

 The farmer said: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

 Kenny said: "OK then, just unload the donkey.."

  
The farmer asked: "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off." (Note: To raffle is to sell a
thing by lottery - draw lot - to a group of people each paying the
same amount for a ticket)

 Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

  
Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

 A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened
with that dead donkey?" Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets
at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."

 Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars."

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____________________________________________

               ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
               WITNESS: Yes.
               ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
               WITNESS: I forget.
               ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
               ___________________________________________

               ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
               WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
               _________________________ ___________

               ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
               WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
               ___________________________________________

               ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
               WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
               _________________________________________

               ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
               WITNESS: Yes.
               ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
               WITNESS: None.
               ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
               WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
               ____________________________________________

               ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
               WITNESS: By death.
               ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
               WITNESS: Take a guess.
               ____________________________________________

               ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
               WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
               ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
               WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
               _________________ ____________________

               ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
               WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
               ______________________________________

               ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
               WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
               _________________________________________

               ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
               WITNESS: Oral.
                _________________________________________
               ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
               WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
               ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
               WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
               ____________________________________________

               ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
               WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
               ______________________________________

               And the best for last:

               ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
               WITNESS: No.
               ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
               WITNESS: No.
               ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
               WITNESS: No.
               ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
               WITNESS: No.
               ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
               WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
               ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
               WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees".

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our developers  has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer. After the  boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which  of you
idiots ate the developer?"

One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating  team leaders, managers, and project managers and no one noticed anything, and now YOU ate one developer and it got noticed. So here after please don't eat a person who's working."

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